I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
