The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
