just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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