I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
