Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
