I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
