I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
