Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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