my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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