No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
