Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
