I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
