im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Found your dick twin last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
