You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
