My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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