I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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