I hate all girls vehemently.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
