Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just threw up on my dentist
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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