my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
