So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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