One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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