I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
