I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
