So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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