I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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