I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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