can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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