You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
