I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
that may or may not have been my penis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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