I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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