oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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