We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
