Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
