I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
