My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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