i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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