I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
