I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
