i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
