Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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