Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
