oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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