Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
