when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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