I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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