How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
