I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
