your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
