im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
