the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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