i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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